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   Lord Dollis has requested a Page 3 girl.  We are always ready to oblige our readers, especially those with a title.

    This is Miss Kitty Mason who is interested in travel and meeting interesting people and hopes to be taken seriously as an interesting actress in her own right.

   In the meantime she has been on a counselling course.



“Let’s cover up that hole in the downstairs loo where the squirrel chewed his way through. You cut up the polystyrene and I’ll apply the adhesive with this brush. Oh dear it doesn’t seem to be staying on. Oh dear the squirrel hole is getting larger. Never mind. Let’s put the first piece up. Oh my, the edges aren’t sticking. Deary me, it’s breaking up. Shall we try again around the light. Shame I’m wearing my best woolly. Probably we can fill the gaps with poly filler. Nobody looks up anyway. I seem to be walking adhesive over the new carpet. Funny old world.”



18 more months with Meldrew

“I am the only one paying on this bus. Look at them all streaming on with their free passes. Don’t know how the bus company can afford to run at this rate. Wouldn’t pay the petrol. Here’s another lot. Five on and only one paying. Don’t know why you stood back. Twirlies are supposed to barge their way on. They’ll all be fighting me for this front seat. Here’s another stop. Takes them half an hour to get off. There’s someone actually paying.”  


Oh the joys of travelling with someone not entitled to a bus pass


PULL YOUR SOCKS UP    The Gazette’s Advice Column

Dear Kitty

Your picture on this month’s page three will be an inspiration to all and thank you for taking on the advice column.

Kitty, I found my partner alone in a room recently, in the fading gleam of her computer screen. I could see no-one there.  No-one. I heard her say; ‘Good night darling.’ Her remarks were not addressed to me (sadly) for they were uttered before she espied me. Is she having visions, do you think? Should I seek the advice of a counsellor?

N of Finchley Parva


Dear N of Finchley Parva

No. You appear to be the sane one! There is a rational explanation. Your partner was suffering from

anthropomorphosis. She was, indeed, talking to her computer.